It seems I’m not the only one going through a temporary lull at work at the moment. By no means is this a permanent thing and I quite welcome it for the time being before the truck load arrives. However, during yesterday’s quiet patch I received a humorous email from a good friend, I hope he doesn’t mind me including it on the site, tough shit if he does. We all had to do a chapter on how our day was going and here is his:

“Dan stared listlessly at the monitor in front of him. The image had barely changed for an hour - a list of meaningless numbers and technical jargon, interspersed with his sporadic facebook and hotmail visits. He thought about having another coffee, and idly set fire to his pocket whilst fiddling with his lighter.

‘Daniel (surname removed)’ came the strident tones of his immediate superior. ‘Put yourself out and get over here.’ Her eyes narrowed and she waggled the barrel of her semi-automatic pistol in his face. Dan stood up and slouched over to her dug-out.

‘How long do we have before the funds are transferred?’ she barked, stroking her enormous siberian tiger – Pongo – with one hand, while she pointed the barrel of her Beretta unwaveringly at my face with the other.

‘Not… not long now…’ I stammered, as I felt a warm stream of urine trickle down my thigh and finally extinguish my trousers.

‘5 minutes, or you go the same way as him,’ she said, indicating with a look the body of my former colleague Steve. She gave me a friendly punch in the face with the butt of her gun, then sent me away with a dismissive wave of her hand.

I walked back to my desk, holding my head back to stem the flow of blood from my nose, and watched as she picked up a megaphone and grabbed one of the hostages. She clambered up over the makeshift sandbags in the office window, held the megaphone to her mouth and started to speak.

‘I want the helicopters, and I want them in 2 minutes,’ she barked. I took a moment to admire her tight PVC trousers and all that lurked within, while she pulled out a gun. ‘If I don’t hear rotors soon, then Billy here’ – she roughly pulled the terrified hostage to his feet – ‘gets a new hole where his mouth used to be.’

I thought about telling her that he already had a hole there – his mouth – but looked at Steve and thought better of it. Instead, I got up and headed for the door.

‘Where do you think you’re going’ she practically screamed at me, as she turned away from the window.

‘Toilet,’ I replied. ‘Caught short.’

‘Sit back down.’ She flew across the room and threw me into my seat with a strength that belied her slender frame. ‘Nobody sh1ts on my watch.’

I sighed, pooed myself, and clicked my browser onto monster.com. Anything has got to be better than this…”
ha.